I am a house without a roof. When it rains, I put buckets all over the floor and continuously empty them as they fill up. Instead, I should build a roof. But I don’t know how to… yet.

I realized recently that I’m very sensitive to external stimuli. That includes everything from taking on the feelings and energies of other people to becoming sleepy when the sun goes down as early as 4 pm in the wintertime. I even become an animal when I eat animal products!

It is so bad that when I went to see an Ayurveda doctor recently and he asked me about things like my sleep and my appetite, I realized that I think of my health issues based on location (I’ve been living nomadically and traveling for the past 3 years).

In Alaskan summer, I couldn’t sleep. In New Zealand fall, I couldn’t sleep enough. In Leh, Ladakh, I couldn’t eat more than a bite. In Japan, I couldn’t ever eat enough. My knees started hurting in Thailand. I couldn’t breathe in Bali. In New Mexico, I’m as dry as the desert.

It’s not all bad. Absorbing my environment means I can go to a new place and absorb the good stuff just as the bad. India makes me ecstatically happy. Alaska opens my soul. I’m creative in Italy. I’m logical in Japan. In New York, I’m in love.

I’m a house without a roof. Anything, good or bad can enter. But I don’t want these external things to become me. So I empty the buckets. I seek different treatments to clean my internal house – Tao, Ayurveda, Nature, Food, Massage, Relationships etc. But what I really need to do is build the roof.

When I had this realization during meditation, all the energy of my chakras aligned and created a shield around me. I could feel it. Instead of penetrating me, the external elements would now just bounce off, like water on glass.

At that moment, I realized the truth of Vipassana meditation – it’s a meditation where you can feel the origin of all stimulus on your body (as sensations hitting your skin) and eventually be able to control your reaction to it by realizing that it is simply a sensation and nothing else. Only your mind gives power to the sensations to become more. That is the tool I need to use to build my shield on a more permanent basis. To make sure that those external cues do not enter me, do not become me. To build my roof.

October 6, 2018

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